


Secrets

by AgnesTomlinson



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Cancer, Cutting, Homophobia, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide, sad stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-23
Updated: 2013-09-23
Packaged: 2017-12-27 10:50:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/977910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgnesTomlinson/pseuds/AgnesTomlinson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis told his mum everything, until one day he didn't.</p><p>Or: Louis has never really been happy but Harry might be able to change that, at least for a while.</p><p>(A Larry One-shot.)<br/>Want to read in Russian? Here's a link http://ficbook.net/readfic/1448373</p>
            </blockquote>





	Secrets

When Louis was younger he told his mum everything. He shared everything he knew and thought about with her. He trusted her with all his might and she loved him. Louis was Jays only son and they had always had a special bond. They loved each other very much and was not afraid to tell the other so. But when Louis was fifteen his mum stopped telling him she loved him, not because she stopped, but because Louis was now grown up and he probably didn't want or need to hear that anymore. It was only that he did. Louis had always been insecure about himself and what people thought of him. That by the way, was one of the few things Louis kept to himself. He had always wanted to make his mother proud and for her to at least believe that she had the perfect son. But it was when Louis was fifteen things begun to go down hill. It was like someone stopped holding the brace and just let go and Louis couldn't stop it. No matter what he did.  
The first thing to add on the list of things that went bad in Louis life was when the football team Louis played in had a party and Louis had gotten drunk. Yes, they were underage and not allowed to drink, but hey it seemed like a good idea back then. Louis had gotten pretty drunk and he had accidentally (okay maybe it wasn't really and accident) kissed an other lad from the team who Louis had been crushing on from way back. But the lad, Mike, Louis had kissed had turned out to be a big downright homophobic prick and soon did the whole school know about the kiss. Louis never told his mother about this because he felt like she wouldn't care. He did nor tell his mum when the pricks at school started to throw harsh words at him or beat him up during school hours. The beatings didn't really affect Louis that much it was more the words, fag, queer, worthless, fat, stupid, disgusting, ugly, fat and the final just kill yourself, nobody would miss you. The last sentence really affected Louis but he tried to hide it but it was only a few weeks after Louis made his first cut, right above his hip. He had been thinking of cutting or self harming in any way for a long time and some nights when he felt practically bad he would dig his nails deep into his skin until he was satisfied. But it was never really enough so Louis finally took act and cut himself on real. He had done it with a scissor and it had taken a while and a lot of pressure to get it to bleed. Once it was done Louis felt a twist of regret but then he thought of everything that he had been told from school and the regret was soon forgotten. Louis never told his mother this.  
The next time Louis cut was about a two weeks after his first time and this time it was easier to draw blood and this time there was no regret just relief and a sick feeling in his stomach.  
Louis had quit from the football team right after the party or maybe he got kicked out, because no one wanted him there anymore because it was disturbing to share a locker room with a queer who would stare at them while they showered. Louis never told his mother the real reason he quit, he only told her that he was sick of it and wanted to try something new. And to prove his point Louis joined the school's drama club. He liked acting; it was easy and no one would know if you were feeling shit because they only knew what your character showed. No one knew the real you, they only knew the one you were acting like. And it was easy for Louis. It made him happy and he felt free.  
When Louis turned eighteen he moved out from his family house and moved to London to study. His mum had cried and told Louis that she loved him, it was the first time in over three years that Louis got to hear those word and he could not help the tears that run down his face as he whispered it back to his mother. Louis never told his mother that he loved to hear her say that, that he needed to hear those words every now and then. Louis still hadn't told his mother about his sexuality.  
Louis is eighteen and he is studying to become a drama and english teacher. This school is better than his last and Louis shares a shitty apartment with a dude called Zayn. Zayn is cool and he never asks Louis why Louis wears long sleeved shirts in the summer. Louis is happy but there is no longer any part of his body that hasn't any kind of cut or burn on it. Louis hasn't told anybody about this.  
Louis is suddenly twenty and he can not help but wonder where all these years went. He will soon be graduating and start college to study a few more years before he will start working. Zayn and Louis is still sharing an apartment and Zayn and Louis' friend Liam is there more often than not. Louis thinks he is in love with a guy from his class called Stan, but he wont tell anybody. And he neither will tell anybody about the cuts that are literally everywhere on Louis' body now. But still Louis is happy and the pain is keeping him alive, it is telling him that he is, in fact, still alive.  
Louis is twenty one when he meets Harry for the first time. Louis was just going to get a coffee before school at the bakery down the street. And there Harry is, behind the desk with an apron on his long figure. The first thing Louis notices about Harry is his curly hair, then it is the green eyes, the big hands and at last; the dimples. Louis has never met anyone more perfect. When Louis has ordered his coffee Harry gives Louis his number. Louis smiles wider than he can remember that he every has and bits his lip before exiting the bakery with a little wave to Harry. Louis doesn't tell Zayn or Liam about this.  
When Louis is twenty two his world is getting brighter. Louis doesn't cut as much as he used to and he is smiling more than ever. Zayn and Liam asks Louis about this but Louis never responds. Harry is a big part of Louis' life now and they are best friends and Louis thinks that he might just be in love. Louis doesn't tell Harry this.  
It is a Friday when Louis meets Niall, or he thinks it was a Friday at least. Niall is Harry's Irish friend and he is absolutely lovely and Louis thinks of him as a brother he never had. Louis hasn't spoken to his mother in three years. He doesn't know why she hasn't called and he feels like she doesn't want him to call, so he doesn't.  
Louis will turn twenty three in a month when Harry sees Louis' scars for the first time. It was not like Louis had wanted Harry to see but Louis' sleeve had ridden up a bit and the next thing he knew was that Harry was looking at him with big sad eyes. Louis doesn't explain himself but he promises Harry that he will try to stop. And he tries but it is hard to stop doing something that has been the only thing you have been trusting for such a long time. But Louis thinks that maybe he trusts Harry more than his razor.  
Louis is twenty four and has been clean for about three months now, without a single cut or burn and Harry is so proud of him. Louis thinks he will die of happiness when Harry tells Louis that he loves him. Louis is happy and in a relationship and his and Harry's friends are okay with it. Louis knows he is in love and everyone else knows it too. Except from Louis' mum.  
Louis is twenty six and he is happy. He hasn't cut in over a year and he has neither felt the urge to do so. Louis is now a working man and he is still very much in love with Harry Styles, a man who loves Louis just as much. Louis and Harry is thinking about moving in together and Louis' face might as well crack in two pieces because he is smiling so much. Louis is twenty six when Harry and he has their first real big fight. It involves screaming, cursing and throwing things and when it is over Louis sits in the bathroom with a razor in his hand and blood on his arm. Louis and Harry broke up that night and when Harry left, he took Louis' heart and meaning in life with him. Their breakup lasts for nearly a month and Louis is cutting as much as he used to but then suddenly Harry is back and he tells Louis that he loves him and that he is sorry. They kiss through tears and Harry doesn't ask about the new cuts, he just kisses them and tells Louis that he will never leave Louis alone again. Louis doesn't smile but he still loves Harry very much and he is not sure what he should do anymore but he knows that staying with Harry will keep him alive for some longer.  
Louis is twenty nine and he and Harry lives in a small flat that fits them perfectly. Louis loves Harry more than ever and even thought they have their up's and down's they are very happy and they stay together. Louis doesn't cut anymore and he does not know for how long he has been clean now but it doesn't really matter, because he is happy. Louis cries when Harry gets down on one knee in front of him, a beautiful ring in his hand and he is asking Louis if Louis wants to marry him. Louis cries and nods, but it isn't sad tears, it's happy tears and it is the most powerful emotion Louis ever has felt.  
Louis is twenty nine and he calls his mother for the first time in what feels like an entirety. He tells his mother about Harry and that she and Louis' sisters are invited to the wedding that will take place in the summer. Louis' mother cries and tells Louis that she is proud of him and that she will of course be there and that it is so good to hear his voice. In the end of the conversation both of them has cried a fair amount of tears and Louis is so happy he doesn't know where to turn.  
It is summer and Louis and Harry has decided on a beach wedding, they haven't invited many people; just the closest and both of them are smiling like idiots when they say 'I do'.  
Louis is thirty one and happily married to Harry when they get told that Harry has Leukemia and that he won't make it. Louis doesn't cry but he holds Harry tight and asks him to never leave. Harry cries and tells him that he isn't going anywhere. The doctors has said that there is no point in taking the treatment because it will probably just make Harry worse and it wouldn't help anyway. It is already too late. Harry tries to get Louis to promise that he will keep strong and live into an old age and die in his own bed when he is asleep because of old age and not because of something else. Louis shook his head and said that he would not promise something he could not keep and Harry cried again.  
Louis is thirty three and Harry has been dead in nearly two years. Louis isn't happy at all and he is cutting again. He has quit his job and tonight everything will be alright. Louis tried to do it the way Harry wanted him to; to grow old and move one but it just didn't work. Sure Louis got older but he couldn't move on, he couldn't be strong and he didn't want to either. So he found a way to please Harry as much as he could. He waited a few years and tonight he would die in his bed while he was asleep. Louis had searched through the whole medicine cabinet and bought a lot of sleeping pills. Louis sat on his bed and swallowed pill after pill and when he was halfway through what he had planned to take he started to feel sick in his stomach and dizzy in his head. But he doesn't care and swallow a new round of pills. Louis has no idea how many pills he has swallowed but he is dizzy and he can't keep his eyes open so he lets the darkness take him and just like that, he is gone.  
Louis never told anybody what he had planned to do and there was still a lot of secrets buried with Louis. Secrets that he literally took to the grave and to where he now is , returned with his lover and he is more happy than he has ever been. Because he is dead and now there is nothing more that can hurt him. He has his Harry and it is like all he ever waited for in his life was this moment. The moment where his life does no longer exist but also the moment when he felt real, pure happiness because it is over now.  
It is all over.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, hope you liked it :) You can fine my other stories on wattpad http://www.wattpad.com/user/AgnesTomlinson


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